A couple quick writes from last week

dont bother proof reading or finding errors because you will find many. i literally just type out my thoughts and not think about how its coming out. i dont go back and reread it to see if it sounds good. they are just my thoughts without being edited

im going to start writing just like everyone wants me to 

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so heres my first thoughts typed out and made real without proof reading or thinking about how it sounds.
All this world has ever known from the beginning is pain. With americans doing the worst to the native americans every country and every part of the world has mass suffering and pain currently and in history. I used to wonder why do ticks and fleas exist? They don’t do anything but harm. No animal relies on them for food so what good do they do but cause discomfort, pain, and death? I can easily replace the noun fleas and ticks with human beings. Whats the answer? Why? We are such ugly creatures for everything we have done, to each other and to our own home. Our own planet is dying because of our existence. We are sucking the life out of it the same way ticks and fleas kill unless exterminated.

last night i tried asking him again WHY he broke up with me why he wants to wait three years for him to finish school to be with me and he simply said “i dont know” and thats when i walked away. thats exactly the words my other ex said. so theres this undefinable flaw in me that makes me lose them. 

then i watch a week with marilyn and ive never felt so connected to anyone in my life. and this isnt a good thing. its horrible. the things she says sound like im saying them. it made me cry because i know what that flaw is. its that no one understands. no one understands her. no one understands me. we are both troubled and have issues. we are not normal. the only difference between us is that she was famous and could put on a fake face. im not famous and i never lie and everyone can read me like an open book shoved in their faces. what am i supposed to do? just hope? just hope someone comes along and loves me enough to stay? or will i die just like her. mysteriously and alone. i wish i could put on the facade that she did.

beauty draws them in, they see the reality, and they leave

maybe i should just never love another guy but let them love me and break their hearts. ive done it before. not on purpose. i was trying to get over my ex. trying to date. instead i broke too many hearts. then my current ex walked into my life. he convinced me he would never leave and we would be together forever. literally his words. ive lost him. should i still hope? or should i just not believe in love anymore. i dont think i believe in love anymore. at least not the permanent kind that keeps two people together forever. maybe marilyn thought this too and killed herself because of her need to be loved and fear of being abandoned…. im just thinking through my fingertips this went on way too long

this is what my life feels like right now
im on a rollercoaster but only that part where you are slowly ascending to the top and i knnow what awaits me after i go over the top, thats when it begins the ride begins and its fast and its sudden theres no slow start and theres no getting out. im ascending right now and tomorrow ill be at that brief peak where you can see down where you are about to go at its fastest point. im alone though. im alone on the rollercoaster. its just me and theres no other seats just my seat. and tomorrow is coming. after that everything is going to change. so fast. everything will be moving so fast and im so scared theres going to be bumps and twists and turns and im not in control of any of it. im so fucking scared ive never felt this way in my life. just stuck in my seat slowly waiting for the ride to begin all by myself. no one to hold onto or laugh with or find comfort in. its just me. and i have to face it all alone. i keep saying im not ready but it doesnt change anything it doesnt matter if im ready or not. cause its happening either way.